1 00:00:00,449 --> 00:00:02,434 If someone asked me the biggest difference 2 00:00:02,435 --> 00:00:04,049 between the suburbs and Manhattan, 3 00:00:04,422 --> 00:00:05,742 i will have to say... 4 00:00:05,763 --> 00:00:07,383 "It's the moms." 5 00:00:07,636 --> 00:00:09,236 It's like the million mom march 6 00:00:09,303 --> 00:00:11,003 the places crowning like fame. 7 00:00:11,125 --> 00:00:12,445 They're in the malls, 8 00:00:12,659 --> 00:00:14,559 they're up the rock concerts, 9 00:00:14,618 --> 00:00:16,718 they're shuffling at the thangs longs 10 00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:19,650 not many paddy foot fops, with theirs any present daughters, 11 00:00:19,699 --> 00:00:22,099 and enormous frozen coffee drinks. 12 00:00:22,247 --> 00:00:25,047 Now, the hole mom thing is little foreign to me. 13 00:00:25,090 --> 00:00:28,292 My mom ducked out shortly after they cut the umbilical cord, 14 00:00:28,343 --> 00:00:30,294 so having grown up with just my dad 15 00:00:30,345 --> 00:00:31,796 really made me wonder. 16 00:00:31,847 --> 00:00:34,048 (Man) ♪ just 'cause I'm a gangster ♪ 17 00:00:34,082 --> 00:00:36,417 ♪ just 'cause I'm a gangster ♪ ♪ just 'cause I'm a gangster ♪ 18 00:00:36,451 --> 00:00:38,319 ♪ just 'cause I'm a gangster ♪ 19 00:00:38,353 --> 00:00:41,055 What is it with these mothers? 20 00:00:41,089 --> 00:00:42,556 ♪ Gangster music, it just don't stop ♪ 21 00:00:42,590 --> 00:00:44,108 They're people, okay? 22 00:00:44,142 --> 00:00:45,693 Just like you and me. 23 00:00:45,727 --> 00:00:47,762 (Girl) Things had been a little tense between us 24 00:00:47,796 --> 00:00:49,396 since the unauthorized search and seizure 25 00:00:49,430 --> 00:00:50,898 dad conducted in my room. 26 00:00:50,932 --> 00:00:52,399 First he searched, 27 00:00:52,433 --> 00:00:55,602 then he had a total seizure. 28 00:00:55,620 --> 00:00:57,805 He pulled me out of school, bubble-wrapped my life, 29 00:00:57,839 --> 00:01:01,108 and threw it in the back of a moving truck. 30 00:01:01,159 --> 00:01:02,626 I went from here... 31 00:01:02,661 --> 00:01:04,845 Good-bye, Washington Square Park. 32 00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:08,349 Good-bye, sexually active classmates. 33 00:01:08,383 --> 00:01:10,801 To here. 34 00:01:13,522 --> 00:01:16,357 Pretty ironic that a box full of rubbers 35 00:01:16,391 --> 00:01:19,426 landed me in a town full of plastic. 36 00:01:21,313 --> 00:01:23,681 What color would you call that? 37 00:01:23,732 --> 00:01:26,400 Circus peanut? 38 00:01:26,434 --> 00:01:28,269 Or maybe it's more in the vomit family. 39 00:01:28,303 --> 00:01:30,187 Well, I guess that depends on what you ate, 40 00:01:30,238 --> 00:01:32,656 maybe... lobster bisque. 41 00:01:32,691 --> 00:01:34,275 No. No, I'm talking about 42 00:01:34,309 --> 00:01:37,611 your basic, run-of-the-mill, stomach acid vomit. 43 00:01:37,645 --> 00:01:39,747 - Uh-huh. - That's pretty much it, isn't it? 44 00:01:39,781 --> 00:01:41,699 Why don't you grab your bag 45 00:01:41,750 --> 00:01:45,152 and go criticize the inside of the house? 46 00:01:45,170 --> 00:01:47,755 ♪ 47 00:01:47,789 --> 00:01:50,490 Yoo-hoo! Neighbor! 48 00:01:50,509 --> 00:01:51,992 Yoo-hoo! 49 00:01:52,010 --> 00:01:53,427 Yoo-hoo! 50 00:01:53,461 --> 00:01:56,013 Hiya, neighbor. I'm Sheila. 51 00:01:56,047 --> 00:01:59,466 Are you the new family from New York? 52 00:01:59,500 --> 00:02:01,068 Nice. 53 00:02:01,102 --> 00:02:05,039 What? You taught me not to talk to strangers. 54 00:02:06,975 --> 00:02:09,476 Come on in. This is it. 55 00:02:09,510 --> 00:02:11,278 Huh? 56 00:02:11,313 --> 00:02:13,914 It's pretty big, right? Bigger than your room in the city. 57 00:02:13,949 --> 00:02:15,516 Can you picture yourself 58 00:02:15,550 --> 00:02:18,235 living a-a normal, adolescent existence here? 59 00:02:18,286 --> 00:02:20,054 I don't know. 60 00:02:20,088 --> 00:02:21,722 It's kind of girlie. 61 00:02:21,756 --> 00:02:23,157 Well, you're a girl. 62 00:02:23,191 --> 00:02:27,044 Yeah, but I'm not a cat clock kind of girl. 63 00:02:27,078 --> 00:02:30,297 What if you are a cat clock kind of girl 64 00:02:30,332 --> 00:02:31,799 and you just don't know it yet? 65 00:02:31,833 --> 00:02:33,384 Yeah. 66 00:02:33,418 --> 00:02:35,302 I'm not. 67 00:02:40,275 --> 00:02:42,509 The next morning, i was startled awake 68 00:02:42,544 --> 00:02:44,261 by an unfamiliar sound... (Gasps) 69 00:02:44,312 --> 00:02:47,097 No garbage trucks, no taxi cabs, 70 00:02:47,148 --> 00:02:49,516 no car alarms? 71 00:02:49,551 --> 00:02:51,068 Silence. 72 00:02:52,721 --> 00:02:54,488 It's too quiet. 73 00:02:54,522 --> 00:02:58,158 (Birds chirping) 74 00:02:58,193 --> 00:02:59,627 (Sheila) Yoo-hoo! 75 00:02:59,661 --> 00:03:03,330 Tell your wife I'm gonna drop off a pot roast! 76 00:03:03,365 --> 00:03:04,798 Uh, I don't have a wife. 77 00:03:04,833 --> 00:03:06,967 (Voice echoes) Don't have a wife. Don't have a wife. 78 00:03:07,002 --> 00:03:08,435 Don't have a wife. 79 00:03:08,470 --> 00:03:10,004 (Car alarms blaring in distance, dogs barking) 80 00:03:10,038 --> 00:03:11,839 (Scoffs) Crap. 81 00:03:11,873 --> 00:03:14,124 Okay, so you... you ready for your welcome present? 82 00:03:14,175 --> 00:03:15,909 Oh, my God. Is it a car? 83 00:03:15,927 --> 00:03:18,262 I might have oversold. 84 00:03:21,917 --> 00:03:23,517 Ta-da! 85 00:03:23,551 --> 00:03:27,521 "Ta-da" is what you say when something good happens. 86 00:03:27,555 --> 00:03:29,423 Come on. It's... it's cool. 87 00:03:29,441 --> 00:03:31,325 Yeah. I can keep my adult undergarments 88 00:03:31,359 --> 00:03:32,893 in the wicker basket. 89 00:03:32,928 --> 00:03:33,515 Stop it. 90 00:03:33,516 --> 00:03:35,863 This is an elderly person's bike, George. 91 00:03:35,897 --> 00:03:38,232 - Don't call me George. - This is Betty white's bike. 92 00:03:38,266 --> 00:03:40,868 And besides, I don't even know how to ride. 93 00:03:40,902 --> 00:03:42,453 Well, learning is gonna be 94 00:03:42,487 --> 00:03:44,872 one of the fun suburban things we get to do together. 95 00:03:44,906 --> 00:03:46,940 But as for today, you're gonna have to walk 96 00:03:46,958 --> 00:03:49,326 because I have a consultation on a remodel 97 00:03:49,377 --> 00:03:52,346 right after my breakfast at the country club. 98 00:03:52,380 --> 00:03:55,049 Breakfast at the country club? 99 00:03:55,083 --> 00:03:55,490 Mm-hmm. 100 00:03:55,491 --> 00:03:57,117 Do you realize that your street cred 101 00:03:57,152 --> 00:03:59,787 just disintegrated with that very sentence? 102 00:03:59,821 --> 00:04:02,423 Didn't realize I had street cred. 103 00:04:02,457 --> 00:04:03,974 - Now it's gone. - Damn. 104 00:04:04,009 --> 00:04:07,528 And I'm sure the club sounds a lot fancier than it is. 105 00:04:07,562 --> 00:04:09,480 (Women) ♪ ba, da, da, doo, doo, doo ♪ 106 00:04:09,514 --> 00:04:10,981 ♪ bada, doo, bada, doo ♪ 107 00:04:11,016 --> 00:04:13,633 ♪ ba, da, da, doo-doo-doo ♪ 108 00:04:13,652 --> 00:04:15,135 ♪ bada, doo, bada, doo ♪ 109 00:04:15,170 --> 00:04:16,470 Hi. 110 00:04:16,504 --> 00:04:17,972 Sorry. I don't... 111 00:04:18,006 --> 00:04:19,974 Belong here. 112 00:04:20,008 --> 00:04:22,142 George, buddy! Over here in the shallow end! 113 00:04:22,177 --> 00:04:23,643 (Woman) Hey, honey. Yeah! (Laughs) 114 00:04:23,662 --> 00:04:24,878 My friend. 115 00:04:24,913 --> 00:04:27,981 There you are! What is up? 116 00:04:27,999 --> 00:04:29,199 Look at you! 117 00:04:29,250 --> 00:04:30,451 Oh, my God! 118 00:04:30,485 --> 00:04:32,652 Aah! You're as pale as a corpse. 119 00:04:32,671 --> 00:04:35,205 Really? Well, you're... you're the color of a nerf ball. 120 00:04:35,256 --> 00:04:37,491 I am sun-kissed. Look at the face. 121 00:04:37,509 --> 00:04:39,626 You look exactly the same as you did in college. 122 00:04:39,661 --> 00:04:41,628 Yeah, you do, too, except maybe a little blonder. 123 00:04:41,662 --> 00:04:43,013 Are you blonder? 124 00:04:43,048 --> 00:04:45,933 I better be blonder. I spent a lot of money to be blonder. 125 00:04:45,967 --> 00:04:47,634 (Laughs) 126 00:04:47,668 --> 00:04:49,336 We use foils. 127 00:04:49,354 --> 00:04:52,306 So how do you like suburbia? It's gorgeous, right? 128 00:04:52,340 --> 00:04:53,474 (Clears throat) 129 00:04:53,508 --> 00:04:56,310 I mean, green grass, blue skies, 130 00:04:56,344 --> 00:04:57,978 nothing smells like urine... (Spraying) 131 00:04:58,012 --> 00:04:59,813 Look at this. She's texting. 132 00:04:59,848 --> 00:05:01,849 That woman's about to walk into the pool. Ma'am! 133 00:05:01,883 --> 00:05:04,318 Ma'am! Ma'am! Whoa! 134 00:05:04,369 --> 00:05:06,403 You'd be amazed how often that happens. 135 00:05:06,454 --> 00:05:07,921 Good news is, 136 00:05:07,956 --> 00:05:11,592 because of the implants, nobody drowns. (Laughs) 137 00:05:11,626 --> 00:05:13,193 They're completely buoyant. 138 00:05:13,211 --> 00:05:15,629 All of 'em. You are gonna have a field day. 139 00:05:15,663 --> 00:05:17,697 Yeah, well, this might come as a surprise to you, 140 00:05:17,716 --> 00:05:19,833 but that kind of thing doesn't really appeal to me. 141 00:05:19,868 --> 00:05:21,201 I'm more attracted to 142 00:05:21,236 --> 00:05:23,303 the school system, the clean air. 143 00:05:23,338 --> 00:05:25,506 But you can't have sex with the school system. Not really. 144 00:05:25,540 --> 00:05:28,175 I mean, you came here for the kid. 145 00:05:28,209 --> 00:05:29,593 I get that. 146 00:05:29,644 --> 00:05:32,012 I'm just saying that this whole displaced new yorker thing 147 00:05:32,046 --> 00:05:33,597 you've got going is gonna kill out here. 148 00:05:33,648 --> 00:05:35,549 It's gonna kill. Mm. 149 00:05:35,583 --> 00:05:37,684 Look. Our waitress is eye-humping you right now. 150 00:05:37,718 --> 00:05:38,852 (Laughs) 151 00:05:38,887 --> 00:05:40,554 - Hey. - Hey. 152 00:05:40,588 --> 00:05:42,937 Would you gentlemen care to hear our specials today? 153 00:05:42,938 --> 00:05:43,524 Ooh. 154 00:05:43,558 --> 00:05:45,826 We have a seafood eggs Benedict 155 00:05:45,860 --> 00:05:47,795 served with the blackened shrimp. 156 00:05:47,829 --> 00:05:50,831 We also have an extremely tender, local, 157 00:05:50,865 --> 00:05:53,066 farm-raised waitress named Jocelyn 158 00:05:53,084 --> 00:05:55,669 served on a bed of your choosing. 159 00:05:59,841 --> 00:06:01,742 I'm gonna have the shrimp. 160 00:06:01,776 --> 00:06:05,095 Shrimp... shrimp's probably a better choice. 161 00:06:05,130 --> 00:06:07,748 ♪ 162 00:06:07,782 --> 00:06:11,084 To properly navigate suburbia, 163 00:06:11,102 --> 00:06:13,620 one needs a stay-at-home mom to drive you places. 164 00:06:13,655 --> 00:06:17,524 Without one, you're living like the early settler. 165 00:06:17,559 --> 00:06:20,694 I mean, is that what dad wanted? 166 00:06:20,728 --> 00:06:23,464 For me to become some zombie-eyed girl 167 00:06:23,498 --> 00:06:26,733 in the back of a fully loaded S.U.V.? 168 00:06:26,767 --> 00:06:28,769 (Horn honks) (Boy) Yo! 169 00:06:28,803 --> 00:06:31,572 At that precise moment, i had no idea what it was. 170 00:06:31,606 --> 00:06:33,207 Ow. 171 00:06:33,241 --> 00:06:34,875 But I would later find out 172 00:06:34,909 --> 00:06:37,944 this was the official drink of suburbanites. 173 00:06:37,962 --> 00:06:41,198 It was sugarfree Red Bull. 174 00:06:41,232 --> 00:06:44,251 (Sips) 175 00:06:44,285 --> 00:06:46,120 Are you a lesbian? 176 00:06:46,154 --> 00:06:51,024 You mean because I'm not dressed like I have a pole in my locker? 177 00:06:51,059 --> 00:06:53,293 Those are lesbian boots. (Door opens) 178 00:06:53,328 --> 00:06:57,097 Tessa, I'm Mr. Wolf, your guidance counselor. 179 00:06:57,132 --> 00:07:00,434 I'm here to help you absolutely any time you need... 180 00:07:00,468 --> 00:07:02,803 Between the hour of 12:00 and 12:45 P.M. 181 00:07:02,837 --> 00:07:06,773 And this is Dalia. Dalia is your buddy. 182 00:07:06,808 --> 00:07:08,909 How so? 183 00:07:08,943 --> 00:07:11,578 Buddies are volunteers who show new students around the school. 184 00:07:11,613 --> 00:07:13,046 For extra credit. 185 00:07:13,081 --> 00:07:14,498 For extra credit. 186 00:07:14,582 --> 00:07:16,984 - Buddies are not your friends. - Not necessarily, no. 187 00:07:17,018 --> 00:07:19,987 Have you ever thought of maybe calling them something else? 188 00:07:20,021 --> 00:07:21,922 That look said it all... 189 00:07:21,956 --> 00:07:24,158 Welcome to suburgatory. 190 00:07:25,063 --> 00:07:26,363 (Man) ♪ one, two, three, four ♪ 191 00:07:26,397 --> 00:07:29,333 ♪ 192 00:07:31,195 --> 00:07:32,996 (Doorbell rings) 193 00:07:34,615 --> 00:07:36,199 Coming! 194 00:07:43,074 --> 00:07:45,825 Hi. I'm Dallas. 195 00:07:45,876 --> 00:07:48,295 You must be George the architect. 196 00:07:48,329 --> 00:07:51,748 Wow. That... that is not a good way to answer the door. 197 00:07:51,782 --> 00:07:53,183 Beg pardon? 198 00:07:53,217 --> 00:07:55,185 (Chuckles) Well, you j... you just supplied a complete stranger 199 00:07:55,219 --> 00:07:57,120 with all the information he would need. 200 00:07:57,154 --> 00:07:59,222 All the information he would need for what? 201 00:07:59,256 --> 00:08:01,624 He could just say, "why, yes, Dallas, 202 00:08:01,642 --> 00:08:03,960 I am George the architect," 203 00:08:03,978 --> 00:08:07,647 and... and step inside your insanely lavish foyer 204 00:08:07,682 --> 00:08:09,849 and, you know... 205 00:08:09,900 --> 00:08:11,651 (Makes squishing sound) 206 00:08:11,686 --> 00:08:12,902 (Grunts) 207 00:08:12,937 --> 00:08:15,972 So are you an architect or are you gonna come in 208 00:08:15,990 --> 00:08:17,691 and... (Makes squishing sound and grunts) 209 00:08:17,742 --> 00:08:19,542 'Cause you look like an architect. 210 00:08:19,577 --> 00:08:21,111 I'm an architect. 211 00:08:21,145 --> 00:08:23,747 Okay, good. So come on in. 212 00:08:23,781 --> 00:08:27,483 This is Dalia's bedroom. 213 00:08:27,501 --> 00:08:29,318 She's my princess. 214 00:08:29,337 --> 00:08:30,670 My miracle. 215 00:08:30,705 --> 00:08:32,372 This is where we keep her denim, 216 00:08:32,456 --> 00:08:34,424 and that's her shoe closet, 217 00:08:34,458 --> 00:08:37,894 segregated by heels, wedges, flats, and mules. 218 00:08:37,928 --> 00:08:39,095 Mules? 219 00:08:39,130 --> 00:08:41,164 Those are backless shoes, George. (Chuckles) 220 00:08:41,198 --> 00:08:43,633 And this is her... 221 00:08:43,667 --> 00:08:46,553 Creation station... 222 00:08:46,604 --> 00:08:49,773 Home of her blushers, her lip lacquers, 223 00:08:49,807 --> 00:08:52,008 her nail care... 224 00:08:54,211 --> 00:08:55,912 Her hair extensions, 225 00:08:55,946 --> 00:08:58,365 her tanning solutions and so forth. 226 00:08:58,399 --> 00:09:01,251 You got the whole teenage girl thing down. 227 00:09:01,285 --> 00:09:03,352 Girls can be so insecure at this age, 228 00:09:03,371 --> 00:09:05,555 and I just want my Dalia to feel beautiful, 229 00:09:05,589 --> 00:09:07,190 hence the renovation. 230 00:09:07,224 --> 00:09:09,125 I would like a skylight 231 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:11,828 put over the place where she slumbers. 232 00:09:13,164 --> 00:09:16,199 Can I... 233 00:09:16,217 --> 00:09:17,667 Can I ask you a question 234 00:09:17,701 --> 00:09:19,102 completely unrelated to the skylight? 235 00:09:19,136 --> 00:09:20,537 Well, of course. 236 00:09:20,571 --> 00:09:22,422 What would a mom like you do 237 00:09:22,473 --> 00:09:24,574 if you found condoms in her drawer? 238 00:09:24,608 --> 00:09:27,060 What kind of condoms? 239 00:09:27,094 --> 00:09:28,778 Uh, latex. 240 00:09:28,813 --> 00:09:30,180 Opened or unopened? 241 00:09:30,214 --> 00:09:31,347 - Oh, unopened. - Okay. 242 00:09:31,381 --> 00:09:32,682 Unopened box of condoms 243 00:09:32,717 --> 00:09:35,318 that she said belonged to a friend of hers. 244 00:09:35,352 --> 00:09:37,520 I think I would have to trust her. 245 00:09:37,555 --> 00:09:39,756 After all, they were just in the drawer. 246 00:09:39,790 --> 00:09:41,658 She wasn't trying very hard to hide them, 247 00:09:41,692 --> 00:09:45,562 which makes me think she must trust me, so I would trust her. 248 00:09:45,596 --> 00:09:47,831 Oh, George, 249 00:09:47,865 --> 00:09:50,934 it must be hard raising her all on your own. 250 00:09:50,968 --> 00:09:54,003 Okay. So people around here gossip. 251 00:09:54,071 --> 00:09:56,306 It's just neighbors being neighbors, 252 00:09:56,340 --> 00:09:58,141 but I'll tell you who to watch out for. 253 00:09:58,175 --> 00:09:59,709 Sheila. Sheila Shay? 254 00:09:59,743 --> 00:10:02,245 She's had 14 fibroids removed from her u-taytay. 255 00:10:02,279 --> 00:10:03,913 Anyway, she's a real gossip. 256 00:10:03,948 --> 00:10:06,015 Uh, yeah, actually, Sheila Shay... 257 00:10:06,050 --> 00:10:09,469 She dropped off a pot roast for us this morning. 258 00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:11,187 Well, it takes a village. 259 00:10:11,222 --> 00:10:13,123 Yeah, but what Tessa really needs 260 00:10:13,157 --> 00:10:15,058 doesn't come in a cast-iron pot. 261 00:10:15,092 --> 00:10:17,227 She needs some of this motherly love. 262 00:10:17,261 --> 00:10:18,528 Oh. 263 00:10:18,562 --> 00:10:20,463 Yeah, maybe a unicorn 264 00:10:20,498 --> 00:10:22,332 and some sparkly stuff. 265 00:10:22,366 --> 00:10:24,234 (Chuckles) Maybe some dead hair. 266 00:10:24,268 --> 00:10:27,470 Well, you're in luck, 'cause you are looking at the mall queen. 267 00:10:27,538 --> 00:10:29,272 I can give you a guided tour. 268 00:10:29,306 --> 00:10:31,124 (Gasps) Maybe even today after school. 269 00:10:31,158 --> 00:10:33,626 We could take Tessa to all of Dalia's favorite shops. 270 00:10:33,661 --> 00:10:35,211 Oh, she will love it, 271 00:10:35,246 --> 00:10:38,248 and she'll love Dalia. Everybody does. 272 00:10:38,282 --> 00:10:40,383 I hated Dalia. 273 00:10:40,417 --> 00:10:43,219 Her personality was as flat as her hair. 274 00:10:43,254 --> 00:10:46,089 Glee club. 275 00:10:46,123 --> 00:10:47,891 Bleachers. 276 00:10:47,925 --> 00:10:50,727 Cafeteria. 277 00:10:52,596 --> 00:10:53,847 Nose job. 278 00:10:53,898 --> 00:10:56,065 Nose job. Nose job. Nose job. 279 00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:58,485 I guess I know what the most popular elective is. 280 00:10:58,519 --> 00:11:01,187 Diversity student. 281 00:11:01,238 --> 00:11:02,839 Malik. 282 00:11:03,974 --> 00:11:06,009 Hello. 283 00:11:06,043 --> 00:11:08,211 Oral arts. 284 00:11:08,245 --> 00:11:10,697 (Girls cheering) What's wrong with those two? 285 00:11:10,748 --> 00:11:13,366 They have team spirit. 286 00:11:13,417 --> 00:11:16,953 And is that just something that clears up on its own? 287 00:11:16,987 --> 00:11:20,489 Of all the places on my tour, 288 00:11:20,508 --> 00:11:22,859 i liked the handicapped bathroom best. 289 00:11:22,893 --> 00:11:24,627 In Manhattan, the handicapped bathroom 290 00:11:24,661 --> 00:11:26,846 would have leased for $950 a month. 291 00:11:26,881 --> 00:11:28,932 I stayed there all through lunch. 292 00:11:28,966 --> 00:11:30,433 (Door opens) 293 00:11:30,467 --> 00:11:33,102 (Footsteps approaching) 294 00:11:33,137 --> 00:11:35,071 (Dalia) So, Lisa, 295 00:11:35,105 --> 00:11:37,040 your brother must be really jealous of you. 296 00:11:37,074 --> 00:11:40,577 Why would he be jealous of me? 297 00:11:40,611 --> 00:11:42,979 Well, because you can grow a mustache, and he can't. 298 00:11:43,013 --> 00:11:45,215 (Girls laugh) 299 00:11:46,984 --> 00:11:50,220 (Girl) Did you see her face? (Laughs) 300 00:11:50,254 --> 00:11:52,872 I had not intended to make any new friends. 301 00:11:52,907 --> 00:11:55,825 My plan was to serve my time and get out. 302 00:11:55,859 --> 00:11:58,694 But this girl looked even more miserable than I was. 303 00:11:58,712 --> 00:12:01,414 Hey. I know how it feels to get picked on, 304 00:12:01,465 --> 00:12:03,532 and if you ever need anyone to talk to... 305 00:12:03,551 --> 00:12:05,368 Stay away from me, you lesbian! 306 00:12:09,545 --> 00:12:11,846 So my classmates thought i was a "vagitarian," 307 00:12:12,394 --> 00:12:14,412 my dad thought I was a nympho, 308 00:12:14,446 --> 00:12:16,414 and I was starting to feel like 309 00:12:16,465 --> 00:12:18,966 i was living in a horror movie, 310 00:12:19,001 --> 00:12:22,303 some white picket fence nightmare. 311 00:12:22,337 --> 00:12:26,307 They say New York is intimidating, 312 00:12:26,341 --> 00:12:30,878 but these people seem like the type who'd eat their young. 313 00:12:30,913 --> 00:12:33,815 I was halfway home... (Growls) 314 00:12:33,849 --> 00:12:36,217 (Gasps) (Barks) 315 00:12:36,235 --> 00:12:38,519 When I got body-snatched. (Brakes squeal) 316 00:12:39,771 --> 00:12:40,888 Tessa. 317 00:12:40,923 --> 00:12:42,023 Dad. 318 00:12:42,057 --> 00:12:44,125 What are you doing here? 319 00:12:44,159 --> 00:12:45,927 Whose car is this? 320 00:12:45,961 --> 00:12:49,163 Hey, girl! I'm a friend of your daddy's. 321 00:12:49,198 --> 00:12:49,718 She is? 322 00:12:49,719 --> 00:12:51,799 Don't be rude, Tessa. Get in the car. 323 00:13:02,628 --> 00:13:04,745 (The Ting Tings' "That's not my name" playing) 324 00:13:04,780 --> 00:13:07,381 They were taking me to the one place on Earth 325 00:13:07,415 --> 00:13:09,600 they knew i would never survive... 326 00:13:09,635 --> 00:13:13,888 The juniors section at the mall. 327 00:13:13,922 --> 00:13:17,108 Oh, my gosh! Look how cute these boyfriend shorts are! 328 00:13:17,142 --> 00:13:20,862 I mean, whose boyfriend are we talking about? 329 00:13:20,896 --> 00:13:22,363 This will show off my belly ring. 330 00:13:22,397 --> 00:13:24,097 You know what else those will show off? 331 00:13:24,098 --> 00:13:24,649 Your vagina. 332 00:13:24,700 --> 00:13:26,734 Are... are the lights really bright in here? 333 00:13:26,768 --> 00:13:29,436 I feel... I feel like there's less oxygen somehow. 334 00:13:29,454 --> 00:13:31,322 Oh, sweetheart. Is the music especially loud in here? 335 00:13:31,373 --> 00:13:33,441 I feel like the music is especially loud in here. 336 00:13:33,475 --> 00:13:35,109 - Honey. Honey. - What? 337 00:13:35,127 --> 00:13:36,794 You need to go grab a snack at the food court, 338 00:13:36,828 --> 00:13:38,946 and then have a seat over there on the dad couch. 339 00:13:38,964 --> 00:13:40,781 D... oh. (Chuckles) 340 00:13:40,799 --> 00:13:42,800 Yeah, okay. Oh, sweetheart, you want anything? 341 00:13:42,834 --> 00:13:44,218 No, she certainly does not. 342 00:13:44,253 --> 00:13:46,387 We don't gorge ourselves on salty snacks 343 00:13:46,421 --> 00:13:48,589 while we're trying on clothes. Why? 344 00:13:48,623 --> 00:13:50,558 (Dalia) - Bloating. - That's just girl 101. 345 00:13:50,592 --> 00:13:52,293 Bloating. Okay, girl 101. 346 00:13:52,311 --> 00:13:54,979 Right. Okay. I'm gonna, uh, go sit on the dad couch, 347 00:13:55,013 --> 00:13:57,732 stay out of your way, let the ladies do their thang. 348 00:13:57,766 --> 00:14:00,468 Hey. Look at this. Cute. 349 00:14:00,502 --> 00:14:02,403 If if you run into my dad, 350 00:14:02,437 --> 00:14:05,306 tell him I hate it here and I want to go home. 351 00:14:05,324 --> 00:14:06,407 (Chuckles) 352 00:14:06,441 --> 00:14:07,775 Just kidding. 353 00:14:07,809 --> 00:14:08,843 Mom. 354 00:14:08,877 --> 00:14:12,163 Ooh, it's a little long. I could hem it. 355 00:14:12,197 --> 00:14:16,217 (Woman) ♪ uh-huh, ♪ uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪ 356 00:14:16,251 --> 00:14:19,220 It's so lame your mom died, beeyotch. 357 00:14:19,254 --> 00:14:22,490 My mom... (Scoffs) Didn't die. She's just gone. 358 00:14:22,524 --> 00:14:24,491 So you became a lesbian to get back at her. 359 00:14:24,509 --> 00:14:25,993 What? (Knock on door) 360 00:14:26,011 --> 00:14:28,529 (Dallas) Tessa, if you need any help or you have any questions 361 00:14:28,563 --> 00:14:31,866 or you feel lost or unattractive in any way, 362 00:14:31,900 --> 00:14:33,434 just let me know. 363 00:14:33,468 --> 00:14:35,686 I know why we're doing all this. 364 00:14:35,721 --> 00:14:37,905 It's because your mom feels sorry for me. 365 00:14:37,940 --> 00:14:40,674 No, it's because my mom wants to screw your dad. 366 00:14:40,692 --> 00:14:43,511 Doesn't your mom screw your dad? 367 00:14:43,545 --> 00:14:44,946 (Scoffs) No. 368 00:14:44,980 --> 00:14:47,181 The suspense is killing me. 369 00:14:47,199 --> 00:14:49,350 I'm dying to see how cute you girls look. 370 00:14:49,368 --> 00:14:50,952 I'm buying this. 371 00:14:50,986 --> 00:14:52,887 Oh, my goodness, Tessa. 372 00:14:52,921 --> 00:14:54,405 Look at you. 373 00:14:54,456 --> 00:14:56,240 That is a keeper. 374 00:14:56,291 --> 00:14:58,960 That top is just off the chizzy, is it not? 375 00:14:58,994 --> 00:15:01,195 Oh, this is going straight to the register. 376 00:15:01,213 --> 00:15:03,247 Hey. Oh, honey, it's just us girls. 377 00:15:03,298 --> 00:15:05,466 Oh, dear Lord. Who did this to you? 378 00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:06,534 What? 379 00:15:06,568 --> 00:15:09,670 This? 380 00:15:09,705 --> 00:15:12,340 I-I ordered it from a sporting good catalog. 381 00:15:12,374 --> 00:15:14,041 What's the problem? 382 00:15:14,059 --> 00:15:16,377 Well, it's downright orthopedic. 383 00:15:16,395 --> 00:15:18,562 It's like a giant ace bandage, 384 00:15:18,647 --> 00:15:20,564 like something a burn victim would wear. 385 00:15:20,599 --> 00:15:21,983 Are you calling my bra ugly? 386 00:15:22,017 --> 00:15:24,051 Well, yes, honey, I am, because it is ugly, 387 00:15:24,069 --> 00:15:26,354 and I would love to find one for you that isn't, 388 00:15:26,388 --> 00:15:28,889 along with a nice, heterosexual dress shoe. 389 00:15:31,126 --> 00:15:32,960 (Closes zipper) 390 00:15:33,028 --> 00:15:36,430 That night, I decided to debut a new look. 391 00:15:36,465 --> 00:15:38,899 I called it mall skank. 392 00:15:38,934 --> 00:15:41,836 Tessa, please. Dinner's getting cold. 393 00:15:41,870 --> 00:15:44,739 What are we eating? It smells like passover. 394 00:15:44,773 --> 00:15:47,291 Oh, there she is! Cute outfit alert. 395 00:15:47,342 --> 00:15:48,759 - Cute outfit alert. - Hey! 396 00:15:48,844 --> 00:15:50,261 What... what is that? What are you wearing? 397 00:15:50,295 --> 00:15:53,297 Uh, this is the outfit you bought me at the mall. 398 00:15:53,348 --> 00:15:55,016 - Don't you like it? - Yeah. 399 00:15:55,050 --> 00:15:57,251 No. All right, let's eat. 400 00:15:57,285 --> 00:15:58,819 Can I say something? 401 00:15:58,854 --> 00:16:00,955 This is really nice, isn't it? 402 00:16:00,989 --> 00:16:03,274 Yes. When was the last time dad put a home-cooked meal 403 00:16:03,308 --> 00:16:05,159 - on the table? - I brought my own dinner. 404 00:16:05,193 --> 00:16:07,028 Okay, that is not dinner. 405 00:16:07,062 --> 00:16:10,448 Uh, haven't you heard? 406 00:16:10,482 --> 00:16:12,199 George, the girls here don't eat dinner. 407 00:16:12,234 --> 00:16:15,602 That's how they keep their body weight under 80 pounds. 408 00:16:15,620 --> 00:16:17,121 Bikini ready by summer. 409 00:16:17,155 --> 00:16:19,273 (Clicks tongue) Don't you open that drink. 410 00:16:19,291 --> 00:16:21,809 You want me to be just like the suburban girls, don't you? 411 00:16:21,843 --> 00:16:23,611 Don't you dare open that drink, Tessa. 412 00:16:23,645 --> 00:16:25,830 No, I forbid you to open that... (Can fizzes) 413 00:16:25,881 --> 00:16:27,781 Ooh. 414 00:16:27,799 --> 00:16:30,351 Don't even put that straw in that can. 415 00:16:30,385 --> 00:16:32,520 - That's the last straw. (Chuckles) - Do... 416 00:16:32,554 --> 00:16:35,389 - Tessa, don't you dare take a sip. (Under breath) - She's gonna take a sip. 417 00:16:35,424 --> 00:16:37,174 That is not your dinner. This is your dinner. 418 00:16:37,225 --> 00:16:38,726 Ahh! 419 00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:40,627 O... you know what, then? 420 00:16:40,645 --> 00:16:43,030 Then you... you're gonna go to bed without dinner. 421 00:16:43,065 --> 00:16:45,199 Oh, God, George! (Scoffs) 422 00:16:45,233 --> 00:16:47,485 - Well... - I don't even recognize you. 423 00:16:47,519 --> 00:16:49,904 It's like... it's like you're one of them. 424 00:16:49,938 --> 00:16:52,189 - What'd I do? - Sweetheart, I'm trying to give you 425 00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:53,908 what all these other girls have. 426 00:16:53,942 --> 00:16:55,743 Oh, well, I'm not all these other girls, 427 00:16:55,777 --> 00:16:58,546 and I don't want what they have! 428 00:16:58,580 --> 00:16:59,914 All right. 429 00:16:59,948 --> 00:17:02,199 This was voted the fifth best place 430 00:17:02,250 --> 00:17:04,752 in the country to raise kids. 431 00:17:04,786 --> 00:17:06,220 I don't have kids. 432 00:17:06,254 --> 00:17:08,089 You ruined my life! 433 00:17:08,123 --> 00:17:12,226 Oh, I did not ruin your life! (Door slams) 434 00:17:13,929 --> 00:17:16,497 I think I ruined her life. 435 00:17:16,990 --> 00:17:18,890 The next morning, we didn't speak much. 436 00:17:19,992 --> 00:17:21,859 Instead, dad and I expressed our feelings 437 00:17:21,894 --> 00:17:24,662 through passive-aggressive reference books. 438 00:17:28,667 --> 00:17:29,901 Okay. 439 00:17:29,935 --> 00:17:31,936 Remember that time you got me that goldfish 440 00:17:31,970 --> 00:17:33,571 and you said I had to take care of it all by myself 441 00:17:33,605 --> 00:17:35,206 and I was so excited to show you that I could 442 00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:36,574 that I rushed home from school and I cleaned out the bowl, 443 00:17:36,608 --> 00:17:37,992 and I changed the water, and I threw the fish in there, 444 00:17:38,027 --> 00:17:39,744 but the water was too cold and the fish went into shock 445 00:17:39,778 --> 00:17:42,647 and got these little tiny bubbles all over his body 446 00:17:42,681 --> 00:17:44,349 and then died? 447 00:17:46,185 --> 00:17:47,285 Yeah. 448 00:17:47,319 --> 00:17:49,587 I feel like the fish. 449 00:17:49,621 --> 00:17:52,156 Okay. 450 00:17:52,191 --> 00:17:54,926 Well... 451 00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,495 You remember the time I-I tried to show you that Fellini movie 452 00:17:57,529 --> 00:17:59,380 and you refused to watch it because it was 453 00:17:59,431 --> 00:18:01,132 in black and white and had subtitles 454 00:18:01,166 --> 00:18:02,900 and you said it looked dumb and boring, 455 00:18:02,935 --> 00:18:04,936 but then they made you watch it at school 456 00:18:04,970 --> 00:18:06,804 and it turned out you actually loved it? 457 00:18:08,674 --> 00:18:09,807 Yeah. 458 00:18:09,842 --> 00:18:13,144 I feel like this is a Fellini movie. 459 00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:16,381 (Doorbell rings) 460 00:18:19,618 --> 00:18:21,853 Oh. Hello. 461 00:18:21,887 --> 00:18:24,322 My mom sent me over here to get her pot back. 462 00:18:24,356 --> 00:18:26,858 Oh, I didn't take your mom's pot. 463 00:18:26,892 --> 00:18:28,493 I don't even smoke pot. 464 00:18:28,527 --> 00:18:30,361 Her pot... 465 00:18:30,396 --> 00:18:31,796 From last night? 466 00:18:31,830 --> 00:18:34,232 It's red with a silver rooster on it? 467 00:18:34,266 --> 00:18:36,868 How'd that roast work out for you? 468 00:18:36,902 --> 00:18:40,271 That's your mom? 469 00:18:40,305 --> 00:18:41,906 Yeah. 470 00:18:41,940 --> 00:18:43,941 (Pitbull) ♪ now watch me make a movie like Albert Hitchcock ♪ 471 00:18:43,976 --> 00:18:45,443 ♪ I know you want me ♪ 472 00:18:45,477 --> 00:18:46,477 Is that your brother? 473 00:18:46,512 --> 00:18:47,879 ♪ You know I want ya, want ya ♪ 474 00:18:47,913 --> 00:18:49,680 ♪ I know you want me ♪ 475 00:18:49,714 --> 00:18:51,182 ♪ you know I want ya ♪ 476 00:18:51,216 --> 00:18:52,183 Yeah. 477 00:18:52,217 --> 00:18:54,218 ♪ I know you want me ♪ 478 00:18:54,253 --> 00:18:56,788 (Sighs) 479 00:18:56,822 --> 00:18:58,356 Come on in. 480 00:18:58,390 --> 00:18:59,891 We didn't clean it. 481 00:18:59,925 --> 00:19:01,826 That's okay. 482 00:19:03,162 --> 00:19:05,863 I only freaked out on you in the girls' room 483 00:19:05,898 --> 00:19:08,132 because I didn't want to get made fun of anymore. 484 00:19:08,167 --> 00:19:10,601 Yeah. I get it. 485 00:19:10,636 --> 00:19:11,869 It's okay. 486 00:19:11,904 --> 00:19:14,088 We're cool. 487 00:19:16,074 --> 00:19:17,508 Cool. 488 00:19:26,318 --> 00:19:27,518 (Knock on door) 489 00:19:27,553 --> 00:19:30,888 Tessa? Your dad said I could come up. 490 00:19:31,974 --> 00:19:34,292 Can I come in? 491 00:19:34,326 --> 00:19:35,827 You're already in. 492 00:19:37,863 --> 00:19:40,731 Um, about the other day, 493 00:19:40,765 --> 00:19:43,801 I acted like a biznitch, 494 00:19:43,836 --> 00:19:47,138 and I just wanted to say how sorry I am. 495 00:19:47,172 --> 00:19:49,440 It's just, I'm of the mind... set 496 00:19:49,458 --> 00:19:53,678 that every girl should be given a bra 497 00:19:53,712 --> 00:19:56,914 by somebody who knows a thing or two about bras. 498 00:20:02,588 --> 00:20:05,473 Well, I will leave the two of you alone. 499 00:20:05,507 --> 00:20:07,225 (Pats leg) 500 00:20:10,295 --> 00:20:12,263 It was presumptuous. 501 00:20:12,297 --> 00:20:14,765 It was inappropriate, 502 00:20:14,799 --> 00:20:18,102 and it was by far, 503 00:20:18,136 --> 00:20:20,438 the prettiest thing I owned. 504 00:20:21,707 --> 00:20:25,109 So maybe these moms weren't all bad, 505 00:20:25,143 --> 00:20:27,478 and maybe, sometimes, 506 00:20:27,496 --> 00:20:29,614 underneath a pair of giant, synthetic breasts, 507 00:20:29,648 --> 00:20:35,253 you can find a giant, nonsynthetic heart. 508 00:20:44,346 --> 00:20:46,964 That's when I realized, 509 00:20:46,998 --> 00:20:50,301 it wasn't just me who was stuck in suburgatory. 510 00:20:50,335 --> 00:20:53,104 Dad was here, too. 511 00:20:53,138 --> 00:20:54,705 Yoo-hoo! George! 512 00:20:54,740 --> 00:20:57,074 I heard you met my friend Jocelyn at the club. 513 00:20:57,109 --> 00:20:58,876 Said the two of you really hit it off. 514 00:20:58,911 --> 00:21:00,912 We sure did, Sheila. 515 00:21:00,946 --> 00:21:03,314 There he is. (Chuckles) There's my boyfriend! 516 00:21:03,348 --> 00:21:04,699 Hi, George! 517 00:21:04,733 --> 00:21:06,284 I'm stalking you! 518 00:21:06,318 --> 00:21:07,485 (Laughs) 519 00:21:07,519 --> 00:21:08,536 Uh-oh! 520 00:21:08,570 --> 00:21:10,254 Yeah. Yeah. 521 00:21:10,289 --> 00:21:13,925 The way I saw it, we'd need two things to survive... 522 00:21:13,959 --> 00:21:15,493 Automatic sprinklers... 523 00:21:15,527 --> 00:21:18,095 - Beautiful lawn. - Beautiful. 524 00:21:18,130 --> 00:21:19,897 - Beautiful. - Love it. 525 00:21:19,932 --> 00:21:21,582 And a restraining order. 526 00:21:23,902 --> 00:21:27,971 Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com